Maria Portokalos: The men may be the head of the house but the women are the neck and they can turn the head anyway they want.

Angelo: Hey Ian, we're gonna kill ya! Opah!

Toula Portokalos: (Pointing to Ian's bruised nose) What happened? Biker fight? nose job? What?
Ian Miller: Uh...yeah.
Toula Portokalos: No, really.
Ian Miller: You don't want to know.
Toula Portokalos: Oh I don't know. If I had survived an old lady ass-kicking I would want to brag about it.

Maria Portokalos: Nicko! Don't play with food! When I was your age, I didn't have food!